Butler Knows Best
by Dlvvanzor
Summary: Artemis hasn't been treating himself well, and Butler finally steps in. Oneshot. Butler POV


Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl.

It was four thirty in the morning, and my alarm clock went off. Trained to ignore grogginess, I checked a monitor I had in my room, just for this purpose.

It was as I suspected. He was awake. Again.

I rewound the tapes to double-check. No, he had not moved from that spot.

So maybe it wasn't such a bad thing for the average person. Most people who stay up that late sleep until at least nine o'clock, you'd think.

Not Artemis. No, he never woke up later than five thirty. It's kind of annoying because that means I have to get up at five every morning, but what'r you gonna do?

I watched him on the screen for a few minutes. He was typing furiously, and doing other intelligent things that are so far over my head I've given up even pretending. That makes him happy, anyway. I'm used to him pulling the occasional all-nighter; everyone does. But this was the fifth one. In a row. He took a half hour nap after lunch yesterday, but as far as I know that's all the sleep he's had. And if I don't know about it, Artemis hasn't done it, because I always know exactly where he is. To the point where it's creepy. Seriously. I even know when he takes a shower.

I sighed. He was just a _kid_. It was so wrong from him to be so obsessed with... um... whatever this was. It's easy to forget he's a child, once you look into his eyes.

He sighed and looked directly at the camera I had planted in his room that I didn't think he knew about. "Butler, I know you're watching. Come here if you wish to speak with me." I read his lips. I was supposed to have audio, too.

"And I disabled your audio."

Ah.

My room was right next to his, so I put some pants on over my briefs (gonna make fun of my underwear? Do it. I dare you.) and hurried over. People who think I'm imposing in my suits have never seen me half-naked. With no shirt you get a nice view of all my extremely large muscles, and all my twisted scars, most from knives and bullets.

Anyway, Artemis was waiting for me when I got there.

He looked terrible. The areas around his eyes were darker than I knew possible, he was pale even by his standards, and with my trained gaze I could see that he was trembling slightly. But his eyes were as bright, strong, and intense as they always were. His mind was simply too strong for his body.

"How did you know the camera was there?" I asked him.

"Simple. That place was the best possible hiding place, so naturally you would put it there."

Made sense. I moved on to the reason I was here. "Artemis, you need to get a full night's sleep."

He looked right at me. "No. I am busy. Next question?"

"There is no next question. I'm just going to stand here until you agree to get some sleep."

He rolled his eyes. "I'm perfectly all right. My mind is clear, my actions rational. Would you disagree?"

I shook my head. "No. I can't disagree with that. But your mind isn't all you are, Artemis. You can just stay awake for five days because you can make your mind deal with it. Your body can't. It's going to shut you down."

"Sleep is for the mind."

It was time to unleash one of the few really intellectual things I knew. "You know on that Hierarchy of Needs, physical things are on the base. Without them, your body will suffer, and your mind will get scared, and after a while it will get to you." I was fairly sure I got that right and only slightly less sure that I made sense when I said it.

But Artemis looked thoughtful. "Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. That is correct."

I could have punched something for joy.

"It is not often that someone points out a connection I have not seen before. You have truly given me something to consider. And perhaps the very fact that I did not see it is proof that I may not be at my best."

I was used to the offhanded insult. I know he doesn't mean them, or know what he's saying. Poor social skills, you know? The phrase 'he thinks he's so smart' comes to mind, but he really _does_ think he's that smart because he really _is_ that smart. He IS smarter than you and he has no problem saying it.

He was white as a sheet. Even the highly oblivious would start to notice now.

"Look, Artemis. Give me one day to clean you up physically. Then you can go back to your normal schedule. Your _old_ normal schedule. You're smart enough: that thing you're working on will still be there."

He stared at me for a long moment. I knew he could read my stone-cold emotionless face, and that he knew I was truly concerned for him. I could read his, as well, and knew that he honestly cared that it bothered me.

Who needs facial expression, eh?

He stoop up. "Very well, Butler. I will do as you propose. Until what time am I to sleep?"

I know that when you're sleep deprived it's better to get the correct amount of sleep than to just pass out for two days. I quickly calculated. "Two thirty in the afternoon."

"Very well. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Artemis."

As I left his room, I planned what I'd make him do for the rest of the day. I'd cook him something easy to digest, because he hadn't been eating much either. I'd do that when he woke up as a late lunch. Then I'd walk him around the grounds. He hadn't left the Manor in at least five days. He _really_ could use a little vitamin D. At five thirty I was considering a snack of something absurdly vitamin-packed, then back in nature until another easy-to-digest dinner at eight. Then I'd make him go to bed and he could wake up at five thirty as he liked to.

I quickly jotted my plan down in a code that only I knew. If it fell into enemy hands, this way it wouldn't compromise our positions all day. They looked like doodles or scribbles, not a language. For example, "Artemis" could be either a loop or a spiral, it varied. Someone would be more likely to throw it away than to look at it twice. Except that it's in my room, and I can't imagine anyone having the guts to throw away what they thought were my doodles. What if those doodles were important to me?

I love my reputation.

For now, I decided to run a brief border patrol as my charge slept.

I relaxed (emotionally) for the first time in about five days. With me on his side, Artemis would be fine. Butler knows best.


End file.
